Entry One
Dear Diary
I have no idea what to do. I’m in love with Jesse and can’t say anything to anyone. I think Will suspects but I can’t be sure. He would totally wig if he knew the truth. I just need to keep it together and make sure no one ever finds out. This could be a crush a manly man crush that will pass so years in the future I can look back and laugh a manly laugh.
I know what I’ll pick a girl to go after so no one finds out my secret. I’m just glad I’m fluent in Klingon so if anyone goes snooping around in my room and finds this it’ll look like nonsense which is so much better than someone being able to read this. I need to ask Will about the math and maybe talk her into letting me copy it. Like I’ll need math in the real world.
Entry Two
Dear Diary
I’m such an idiot. My Operation Girlfriend didn’t start off quite like I’d hoped. I was such a witty one saying that we both go to school. Maybe I should practice in front of the mirror or something if I want to hide my little secret. No I choose to call it a phase since I’m sure I’ll get past it.
The second meeting with Buffy went the bibbling idiot route so that was a little better but not by much. Why does Jesse want to have Cordelia to nibble on his shoulder? Why can’t I nibble on his shoulder? I’d be a much better nibbler than her. What am I saying down boy.
That was so crazy. I was in the library when Buffy came in and started talking about vampires with the librarian. All I have to say about that is huh. I just wanted to have some alone time so I don’t give myself away. So the new girl is either way into RP or she’s crazy.
Entry Three
Dear Diary
Vampires are real? That’s totally insane but they’re real. Buffy’s a Vampire Slayer. I couldn’t not go with Jesse in danger like that. I almost became dinner along with Will. I cut class and caught up with Buffy. The girl is hot I have to admit. Maybe I’m not as gay as I thought.
We were too late. My best friend got turned into a blood sucking fiend. Things have really changed now that the eyes are open to things that go bump in the night. There are actual things that go bump in the night along with rain of toad. I can’t believe he’s gone. That could have been me and Will if it wasn’t for Buffy.
I actually slayed a vampire. Sure it was an accident but it still counts. It’s bittersweet because the vampire was Jesse. He was like a totally different person. I really don’t like vampires. So we’re living on a Hellmouth. They certainly don’t mention that in the brochure.
Entry Four
Dear Diary
I’d rather have gone to football tryouts but I went to cheerleader tryouts to be supportive of Buffy. Too bad they don’t have any guy cheerleaders since it looks like fun except for the part where Amber was all of a sudden on fire. Giles was way too excited about the latest weirdness. It’s so strange how people seem to have blinders on when it comes to things that happen in this town.
I think I’ll go watch wrestling tryouts. Hopefully n one will catch on fire. Just the thought of them… Down boy. I need to take a cold shower and beg Will to let me copy her homework. As fellow Slayerettes it should be part of her duty to make sure I don’t flunk. Maybe I’ll try some homework after that cold shower.
Entry Five
Dear Diary
I tried to ask Buffy out but she took off before I could do it. Who am I kidding? First vampires now witches. Oops my secret about checking out the books on witchcraft is out. Well at least they just think I was looking at the semi nude engravings. I’m fine with that.
Eew I can’t even pluck the eyeball out of the frog even though it was already dead. I don’t see the point of the whole chopping up frogs thing. Will I really need to have this skill? It’s just so gross. If I could do magic I would put it to better use like a love spell or a no longer gay spell. Oh who am I kidding I’m surprised no one’s figured it out yet.
Entry Six
Dear Diary
I’m glad Amy’s mom is gone because she was pretty damn scary and I have the bruised throat to prove it. I certainly had no idea that people could actually switch bodies. That could be pretty handy. Nah I’m way over my head and even if I did get it to work something would probably go wrong.
Entry Seven
Dear Diary
I had quite a dream when I fell asleep in class. Not a chance in hell of me sharing this. That’s just great I was drooling. I was wearing a red dress in the dream and I didn’t look half bad not that I’m going to start wearing dresses or something. I’m just making an observation. This guy saved me from a vampire and then jumped on stage to finish his solo. I wouldn’t mind having it again without me being in the dress since heels are murder on the feet.
Hey I don’t smell. I bathe every day. That big stupid jock saying I smell. I bet Blaine smells being a jock and all. I thought that guy was flirting with me at the Bronze. Oh well it’s his loss besides musicians are so very fickle. That weird guy Angel is very buff and attractive. I wouldn’t mind if he paid a guest appearance in my dreams tonight.
Entry Eight
Dear Diary
The new teacher is so hot that my brain went blank. Too bad the earth didn’t open up and swallow me up. Mr. French is our substitute teacher and his first name is Nate. He makes me lose the power of speech. I do feel bad for Buffy since Dr Gregory actually liked her but I could gaze at Nate all day long. Could those jeans be any tighter?
It just sucks that Mr. French only picked girl volunteers. It’s so not fair that he picked Will. Seeing our headless teacher was horrible and new. Disturbing thought of where the head went and frankly I really don’t want to now. What would someone want with a head anyway? Vampires, witches, and now Silverware Man on this Monster Island.
Entry Nine
Dear Diary
Well that’s just great my crush turned out to be a big bug man. It must be the weirdness that is the Hellmouth. It’s just too bad that he looked that way in human form since I wouldn’t have any fuzzy feelings that led to some drooling over what turned out to be a giant bug. He was well muscled with those bedroom eyes of his.
Will’s safe and sound with her head attached which is where I like it. He didn’t look so good in his bug form. I hope this Hemantis was the last of his kind. This would be another thing to add to the list of things that I don’t like. To think I dreamed about him. I guess my secret’s out and Buffy and Will are fine with it in fact they claimed they knew all along.
Entry Ten
Dear Diary
I wonder what that green stuff was at lunch. I’m thinking kale. Shouldn’t they have edible food at school? It makes me want to brown bag it but I can’t see Mom making me lunch each day and I’m so not doing it. I have a system that works where I get out of bed at the last possible second that just allows me enough time to make it to school.
Entry Eleven
Dear Diary
I so need a new watch. Owen has a pocket watch and I have Tweety. He’s really cute but he likes girls as in Buffy. Too bad I wasn’t all grabby with him since that sounds like fun but no it was that skank Cordelia. This watch is so getting trashed. Sure I’ll find my Prince Charming wearing this thing but Tweety’s just so cute.
It’s not like I have a Hello Kitty watch although she is cute but I never understood the no mouth thing. Maybe Badtz Maru since he’s more manly. Nah I’m done with watches after all I don’t need to know the exact time at every single minute of the day. Who does that?
I wonder what the deal was with Mr. Pork and Beans. So now I’ve seen a crazy vampire droning on about beans. Well he won’t be having any more now since he’s toast. Ok date at the mortuary bad idea not that there was any actual dateage going on. That was pretty cool how Buffy took out that vamp. Owen sure has a cute butt. I couldn’t help but notice when me and Will took him home.
Entry Twelve
Dear Diary
Well that was disturbing I was possessed by a hyena and a mean one at that. Possession is the only way I’d hang with the winged monkeys although Kyle’s pretty cute. I’m just glad to be possession free. I think I gained about ten pounds from all that eating. I don’t think I’ll be eating for about a week. At least I didn’t go all cannibal like the others did.
It was like I was my own evil twin which I so didn’t like. I’m just glad I didn’t eat Mr. Flutie. I did eat poor Herbert. Ok that just sounds dirty. I pretended to forget everything I did since it was just too awkward if they knew I remembered everything. I’m guessing that we’re the only school that can brag about our Principal getting eaten not that getting eaten is good since he was a nice guy.
Entry Thirteen
Dear Diary
Well the Bronze was totally Dullsville tonight. I think the roaches had more fun. Eddie is such an idiot. He kept stepping on my feet which wasn’t fun and on top of that his girlfriend showed up the one that he told me he broke up with. Stupid jerk and of course Cordelia was there with her dose of vile to make the evening complete.
I did start talking to someone online named Malcolm. He seems really cool. We exchanged pictures and he’s a cutie. I want to wait a while before arranging a meeting between us. I might be jumping the gun. I’ll just see how it goes.
Entry Fourteen
Dear Diary
So Angel’s a vampire? I had a dream with a vampire in it. Sure he wasn’t one in the dream but still. Well I have eyes and he’s very attractive vampire notwithstanding. It’s not like I can control what I’m dreaming. It’s not like there will be smoochies in reality. He did stake Darla so he seems to be one of the good guys. It was kind of romantic in a weird sort of way.
After this crazy evening it was nice to just talk to Malcolm for a while. I couldn’t of course tell him about the vampires and dreams oh my but it was nice to just chat to someone who has no clue about the weirdness that goes on in this town. It was good to just talk about things like comic books and Star Trek instead of vampires and other monsters.
Entry Fifteen
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Buffy found out about Malcolm today and she wasn’t brimming over with the happy. She kept asking me questions about him. It’s not like she can understand this after all she could have any guy she wants. They aren’t exactly lining up to date me but Malcolm’s different. He lives in Elmwood and he’s eighteen. I’m still taking things slow but I wouldn’t say no if he wanted to meet in person.
Maybe I could borrow a car from Uncle Rory. So instead of going to the Bronze to be witty and make fun of all the people that won’t talk to me I’ll have a nice quiet talk with Malcolm. It’s like he really knows me and we have so much in common. I’m just counting the minutes until I hear from him again.
Entry Sixteen
Dear Diary
Great I thought I met a nice boy only he turned out to be a demon. I wonder if there was even a Malcolm to begin with. If there was I’m sure that psycho Fritz probably did him in like he did with poor Dave. He so lied about what he looked like since that picture didn’t show a giant tin can with horns. I did get in a few good licks before he got blowed up. Good riddance to Mr. Tin and Horny.
Entry Seventeen
Dear Diary
I really don’t like the new Principal. He’s making us do the talentless show which is just big fat spanking wrong. What ever happened to detention? We shouldn’t have gone to see Giles to watch, mock, and laugh. I would rather have detention any day. This is cruel and unusual punishment with creepy clown guy and a dummy that gives Buffy the wig. This is all kinds of wrong.
Entry Eighteen
Dear Diary
Well that’s just great a girl gets murdered and the talentless show goes on. I’m so not getting stuck with Cordelia next time we have to question people. I can’t stress how much I hate this school and I didn’t even get to wear a wire. I really wanted to wear one.
I so don’t want to do this stupid thing. It should be cancelled. Our school is sadly lacking in the talent department. Cordelia is horrible but there are a few entertaining things like the very bad magic act that’s so bad it’s good by Mark. I wonder what the deal is with Morgan and his dummy but weirdness aside they can be amusing.
Entry Nineteen
Dear Diary
This was one time when it was good to have my brain. The dummy turned out to be some guy who was cursed to be a dummy until he killed these seven demons. Hello to the weirdness when the curtain opened revealing a bunch of people watching us that obviously heard us during the fight. I’m just glad that the show is over because that was one nightmare I’d like to put behind me.
Entry Twenty
Dear Diary
I enjoyed watching Mr. Tishler with that midnight blue shirt that brings the blue out in his eyes. Today he was wearing jeans so tight that they looked like they were painted on. It’s too bad the weirdness happened with Wendell and revenge of the insects since I was enjoying the view up until that point.
That was so weird so I’m guessing Hellmouth weirdness. I’m just glad I didn’t get swarmed by a bunch of insects. Stupid bugs interrupting some quality active listening. I’d have to bathe in bleach after that experience. Oh why couldn’t it have been Cordelia instead? She’s certainly deserving of the honor.
Entry Twenty-One
Dear Diary
Great nightmares coming true including my ended up naked in front of the class only this time I didn’t wake. I’m glad I had my underwear on. I don’t think I’ve ever run so fast when I rushed off to the locker room to get something to wear. Will mentioned seeing Cordelia with bad hair getting dragged off to Chess Club. Now that I would have loved to see.
It wasn’t all bad because I got some chocolately goodness until the scary ass clown had to ruin everything with his knife. I did feel better after punching him and telling him off. Why couldn’t it have been good dreams since that would have been fun. At least I didn’t turn into anything and kept my clothes after putting on the second set of clothes. I even stopped the bad guy from escaping. That’s pretty rotten beating up a little boy because they didn’t win a stupid game.
Entry Twenty-Two
Dear Diary
That would be cool to be able to turn invisible. Of course I’d use my power for good instead of beating people up like Miss Invisible. I’d only beat up those who really deserve it. It would be handy to not be seen when I was sneaking up. The name Larry comes to mind since he’s such a jerk. Sure Harmony’s an airhead but I wouldn’t push her down the stairs. I came through with the knowledge for once. Oh dinner’s here I better go or Dad will steal all the egg rolls.
Entry Twenty-Three
Dear Diary
I’m rethinking my invisibility would be cool thing since it just drove Marcy insane. So it’s better to be seen and the whole not nearly getting killed thing I could do without. Angel got to us just in the nick of time. He was our vampire in shining armor. I think I’ll avoid the boiler room since that would be a bad place to have a case of déjà vu in. I wonder if Marcy will ever be seeable again.
Entry Twenty-Four
Dear Diary
I was thinking about going to the dance but I’m thinking maybe the earthquake was a sign I shouldn’t go. Who would I go with anyway? I’ll just stay home and do some quality brooding. I’ll put on the music of pain and just wallow at my lack of a social life. Thanks a bunch Hellmouth.
Entry Twenty-Five
Dear Diary
That was pretty damn scary. That Angel is really hot but I didn’t let that distract me. I stood up to him which allowed us to find Buffy. I’m just glad I know CPR with her being drowned and all. He was totally checking out my neck. Ok I wouldn’t mind but only a little taste.
The Master’s dead which is such a relief. The Hellmouth is in the library which is creepy considering how much time we spend in the place. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like the place. At least the prom was fun after the battle. It’s so strange that the Master left a skeleton behind. Good riddance I say.